God Hates Me Real Hard

Hell O friends, Time for everyone to feel bad for us. Two weeks into our tour, our car broke down in fresno california and we had it towed by "bulldog" to a repair shop to see what was wrong with it. Turns out it was the front differential, which unfortunately would cost $4700 to fix. Because that is approximately 470 times the worth of the car we decided to sell it to a mechanic dude for $60. We haggled him up from $50 cause we are such saavy business men. We rented a car and are driving it loaded with all our gear to vegas because there are no auto rental places in fresno that will let you go one way and drop the car off in salt lake city. Just when we were all starting to look past the recent car breaking, tour ruining, bank account draining missfortune that was dealt to us, our spirits were slowing lifting as we started brainstorming a way in which we could quickly make money to return to the last portion of our first tour. Suddenly people in passing cars start honking at us and we quickly notice that they are trying to tell us that there are torrents of white smoke billowing out of the 2004 ford explorer we rented in fresno only hours ago in an attempt to make it back home. We quickly pulled our psuedoluxury ride to the side of the freeway and hopped out just in time to see streams of transmission fluid pouring onto the ground from the engine of this beautiful gas guzzling automobile. FUCK! Now we are broke, thirsty and stranded in the middle of the fucking desert. We call AVIS to tell them that the car they rented us that has less than 18,000 miles on it is broken. They tell us that they will call a tow truck to come to their lot,which they have informed us will take an hour, pick up a replacement vehicle, which will take another 30 mins, drive out to us, which will take another hour, unload our new ride, at which point we get to unload all our gear onto the desert floor and reload it into the escape vehicle they bring post haste. Then they will probably make us fill out a bunch of paperwork and shit before handing over the keys. All of these later events taking anywhere from 45 mins to an hour. Finally, we can start the remaining one hour of our drive to vegas, where we can unload all of our belongings 4 to 5 hours behind schedule at andy's sisters house. Tomorrow morning we get to try and find another rental company that will let us drive one way to salt lake to drop their car off. Then we get to drive 7 hours, assuming that we got all of the bad luck we had coming to us for an entire year in only one week and our slc bound rental doesn't break down like the unknowing trusty steeds that were employed to carry us prior to it's assignment. Cross your fingers for us or send us money tied to the leg of a pigeon so we can make it home. I am writing this from my sidekick on the side of the busy freeway filled with reliable climate controlled cars quickly and safely transporting their passengers ahead of schedule to their destinations. At least I have the internet, cause I definitely got hours to kill. Meanwhile, andy is hiking off into the desolate desert alone probably to be bit by a bored rattle snake that is also having a unbelievably bad day. And blake is pacing around playing his guitar to the rissing and falling zoom of diesels flying by delivering bottles of water and tasty snacks which would surely hit the spot. The snack might even be candy corn. Oh god I would kill for some candy corn right now. Poopy pooped a big old poop on us. Please clean the poop off poopy, we don't like it. Covered head to toe in Poopy's poop,